The Body Remembers: What Every Couple Should Know About Trauma and Connection

Trauma and Marriage: Understanding the Nervous System’s Role in Healing

When we think about time, most of us measure it in hours, days, months, and years. We celebrate anniversaries and birthdays and often reflect on how long it has been since something happened. But did you know that our nervous system does not logically understand time the way our conscious mind does? This means that while your brain knows something (good or bad) happened years ago, your body can still respond as if it were happening right now. That reality has powerful implications for how trauma shows up in marriage and intimate relationships.

Marriage, at its best, can be one of the most powerful places of healing. When two people commit to understanding each other’s nervous systems, they build a relationship not just anchored in love but in safety, resilience, and grace. This understanding transforms marriage from a simple partnership into a sanctuary where both individuals can experience profound healing and growth.

The Science Behind Trauma Storage

When we experience a sudden loss, an overwhelming experience, or a traumatic event, the event is not just stored in our mind as memory. It is etched into our bodies because of our brain’s alarm system (the amygdala), which goes on high alert. This is what we call “implicit memories.” These memories do not follow the normal rules of time and context that explicit memories do. The nervous system reacts to patterns, sensations, and cues, not calendars.

Our bodies are remarkably sophisticated storage systems, cataloging not just the facts of what happened but the entire sensory experience: the temperature of the room, the sound of a voice, the feeling of being powerless, the scent in the air. Years later, when similar sensory inputs arise, the nervous system can launch into the same protective response it used during the original trauma, even when there is no actual present danger.

This is why your spouse can often describe being “triggered.” This is the body doing what it was designed to do—protect. The nervous system’s primary job is survival, not accuracy. It would rather sound a false alarm than miss a real threat.

When Past Wounds Meet Present Love

Marriage inherently involves vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional exposure—the exact conditions that can trigger trauma responses. When trauma is part of one or both spouses’ stories, it often surfaces in ways neither person expects. This timeless trigger system can create confusing, painful, and repetitive cycles of conflict that leave both partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected.

The intimacy that marriage requires can feel simultaneously healing and threatening to a nervous system shaped by trauma. The very closeness that promises safety can activate ancient alarm systems designed to protect against betrayal, abandonment, or harm. This creates what I call the “intimacy paradox”—we crave the connection we simultaneously fear.

Here is how trauma responses might manifest in marriage:

• Overreactions that do not make sense in the moment: small disagreements escalate into major conflicts

• Emotional dysregulation: difficulty managing intense feelings or returning to calm

• Difficulty trusting: persistent doubt despite evidence of a partner’s reliability

• Hypervigilance or misinterpretation: constantly scanning for signs of threat or rejection

• Numbness and withdrawal: shutting down emotionally as a protective mechanism

• Avoidance of intimacy: creating distance when closeness feels overwhelming

• Communication breakdown: inability to express needs clearly or hear a partner’s perspective

• People-pleasing: sacrificing authenticity to avoid conflict or abandonment

• Anger and defensiveness: using aggression as a shield against vulnerability

These patterns may make one spouse feel like they are “not enough” and the other feel “not good enough.” Both partners can become trapped in cycles where their attempts to connect actually trigger each other’s protective responses.

Building Awareness and Compassion

One of the most important places to begin is developing awareness of one’s triggers and understanding that those responses are nervous system reactions, not conscious choices. This awareness allows more compassion to enter the relationship instead of blame. The shift from judgment to curiosity is foundational to healing.

When both partners understand that trauma responses are automatic survival mechanisms rather than personal attacks or character flaws, they can begin to approach conflicts with compassion rather than defensiveness. This does not excuse harmful behavior, but it provides a framework for understanding and addressing the root causes rather than simply managing symptoms.

Practical Strategies for Healing

I teach my couples that when you feel triggered, the goal is to ground yourself and bring the nervous system back to the present. This can be accomplished through what I call “putting a quarter in the meter”—taking a self-time-out to process what happened and what is happening within, so that when you reengage, you can communicate from a place of clarity rather than reactivity.

During this pause, partners can use grounding techniques such as deep breathing, naming five things they can see in the room, feeling their feet on the floor, or using a calming phrase. The key is developing the ability to recognize when the nervous system is activated and having tools to return to a regulated state.

Additionally, implementing what I call a “weekly huddle” creates a ritual of safety. Both partners sit down at an appointed date, time, and place where they can bring to the table one or two discussion items that happened during the week, engaging in finding shared solutions. This proactive approach prevents small issues from becoming major conflicts and creates a predictable space for connection and problem-solving.

Another strategy that helps create safety is having couples understand the difference between managing conflict and resolving conflict. Together, they can take inventory of conflicts that have happened over the past six months and classify them into solvable, perpetual problems, or gridlocked columns. This framework helps couples recognize which battles are worth fighting and which require acceptance and creative compromise.

This awareness allows both partners to recognize when the other is activated and respond with reassurance rather than escalation. Developing individualized coping strategies is also important because past wounds can intrude on present love in unique ways for each person.

The Promise of Trauma-Informed Marriage

A marriage touched by trauma is not a broken one. It is a marriage that requires more intentional strategies to help each person navigate the hidden landscapes of the past that live within the body. By understanding that our most primal self does not know the difference between the past and present, both partners can begin to approach these situations not to manage symptoms but to genuinely transform and deepen intimacy in ways neither thought possible.

When couples commit to this deeper understanding, they create what researchers call “earned security”—the ability to develop healthy attachment patterns regardless of past experiences. This process requires patience and an understanding that progress is not always linear and that setbacks do not indicate failure. Instead, each challenge becomes an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection.

The journey of healing trauma within marriage is not about fixing what is broken but about creating something new—a relationship strong enough to hold both past pain and present love, transforming both in the process.

About the Author

Elsa J. Londoño, LCSW is a bilingual licensed clinical social worker and founder of

Nu Beginning Center, LLC, where she helps individuals, couples, and families navigate trauma, strengthen relationships, and rediscover emotional balance. With over 15 years of experience, Elsa combines evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused CBT, and Emotion-Focused Therapy with a holistic approach that honors the mind-body connection.

A graduate of the University of Pennsylvania, Elsa is passionate about creating safe, transformative spaces where people can heal from past wounds, grow in self-awareness, and live with greater purpose and peace. Through her work at Nu Beginning Center, she continues to guide others toward lasting healing and meaningful connection.

Beyond clinical treatment, Elsa is a gifted communicator and mentor who specializes in helping others uncover their purpose, heal from past wounds, and thrive in every area of life. Her holistic perspective, combined with her professional training and personal dedication, make her a powerful advocate for transformation and hope.

IG @nubeginningcenter